JN143: Signs you’re dealing with a psychopath

September 19, 2011

Today, I read an article in the Huffington Post about psychopaths and how to recognize them. This is very important information to know. The world is full of psychos, and if we can’t recognize them, then whom are we going to invite to Tea Party rallies?

Psychopaths are kind of like werewolves. Sure, they look like the rest of us, but eventually, when it’s too late, they’ll reveal their true selves and do all sorts of bad things, like fight against HPV vaccines and global warming and stuff. Now, you could go to Huffingtonpost.com and read the article. Or, more conveniently, I’ve summarized the main points below. Use this as a guide to identify the psychos in your life. And also, use it as a self-diagnostic tool.

First, psychos have no sense of empathy. Yesterday, for example, I was telling someone about my dishwasher. It broke, and for the last several months, we have been washing dishes by hands like animals. I told a colleague this, and I thought he would empathize with my chapped hands, which have been bent into claws by repeated lathering and rinsing, the hands of a peasant spent in endless toil. But he just mentioned something about poverty and war blah blah, completely ignoring my problem, clear sign of a psycho.

Second, psychos do not have normal displays of human emotions. They have no affect, or weird ones. Try this simple test. Tell them a story about how your neighbor got a new puppy, and last week, the puppy got really sick. A normal person might say “aw, that’s terrible” or “I hope the puppy gets better soon” or “Oh, God, why, why do you punish an innocent puppy, why?!” Any other response indicates an abnormal reaction, typical of the average psychopath.

Third, in general psychos hate puppies, bunnies, woodland creatures, and other adorable animals. I always carry a small Care Bear doll around just to test for potential psychopaths. If they are overly violent to the bear, I try to avoid them. One guy tried to strangle Funshine Bear; we are no longer BFF’s.   

Fifth, psychos have an unsettling disregard for others’ needs. They don’t care if you’re tired, or have plans, or that your favorite tv show is on. They’ll still make you take out the garbage and complain about how you never empty your pant pockets when you throw your clothing in the hamper, even though you ask them to only talk to you during commercial breaks.

Sixth, they have no sense of humor.

Seventh, psychos have terrible grammar and oftentimes use “literally” wrong. They’ll say stupid stuff like, “I have, like, literally a billion emails in my inbox.” It makes you want to stab them (which, by the way, is a normal human response to people who use “literally” wrong and does not make you a psycho). Some of them have asymmetrical hair, wear skinny jeans and wacky scarves, have poor hygiene, drink Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and ride fixed-gear bikes. However, I might be thinking of hipsters.

In all seriousness, the prevalence of psychopaths in our society has reached pandemic level. Unfortunately, like the flu virus, they quickly mutate and adapt, rising through the ranks, eventually using their power to stonewall negotiations on the debt ceiling, shaft teachers, reduce much-needed social services, and produce horrible movies starring Sarah Jessica Parker. We, the non-psychopaths, must not only learn to recognize these people, but also stop them before they literally screw the world.


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