There are few things more American than making New Year’s resolutions. Each year, around this time, we individually create a list of promises in hopes of bettering ourselves and becoming more fulfilled. Then we ignore it. Three years ago, after I failed my resolution to write a book, do 50 push-ups a day, lose 10 pounds, and become the first Vegan Iron Chef, I have stopped making resolutions for myself. It just becomes frustrating to try to better yourself, then realize that you’re not better at all, and that in fact, for failing to achieve your goals, you are actually a worse person than when you started.
Instead, it is now my tradition to write a list of Resolutions for everyone else, and then try to change their behavior throughout the year. This is far more effective. This year, my resolutions are:
That person in a complicated relationship with a jerk who keeps calling people up to complain about the jerk: For 2013, you break up with this jerk and move on with your life, or you will stop talking to me about the jerk.
Gluten-free people: Seriously, only 1% of you guys have celiac disease. The rest of you are frauds. Knock it off. Yesterday, I was at a party, and this conversation took place: “We have to go, but I would love to try your mango-peach salsa. Are those corn chips gluten-free?” “I’m sure they are, since they’re just corn, salt, and water.” “Well, can I see the bag?” “Yes, here, I’ll dig it out of the trash.” My God! For 2013, gluten-free people will do some deep soul-searching and find out if they really are intolerant of gluten, or they’re just being annoying, and if they are just being annoying, they will stop it and act like human beings.
Web Designers who make slideshow galleries: Jesus! Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have to click repeatedly to get all the information on articles like “20 Things Your Waiter Doesn’t Tell You That May Cause You to Get an STD”? For 2013, just combine them all into one scrolling page.
People who owe me money: Unless I said “Pay me back whenever you can” when I loaned it to you, in 2013 you will pay me back my damn money!
The Subway sandwiches marketing team: Those commercials with the adults who speak in kids’ voices are extremely creepy. Plus, with poor Todd being bullied by his helium-voiced female co-workers, who take his sandwiches, the whole thing is repulsive and slightly misogynistic and makes me not want to buy a Subway sandwich ever again. For 2013, you will hire the E*Trade babies and make commercials with them instead. They’re so cute, and hilarious.
People who make movies where there is some sort of bomb at the end and the hero has to sacrifice himself: That is a ridiculous new cliché that has appeared in practically every new superhero movie, from Iron Man 2 to The Avengers to Batman. In 2013, knock it off with the world-ending bomb plot, or at least have the sacrifice count by making sure the superhero doesn’t re-appear completely intact.
People with really long and obvious nose hairs: It’s distracting trying to talk to you. Usually you’re a really nice person, but I can’t see that because I’m fixated on your nose. In 2013, please clip your nose hairs so I can focus on what you’re actually saying instead of fantasizing about taking a weed whacker to your face.
Millennials: In 2013, you will, just…I don’t know, stop being so whiny and “me me me.”
The whole list is much longer and includes hipsters, people who don’t return food storage containers, really horrible parents who spoil their kids, spoiled kids, coworkers who don’t wash their dishes, T-Mobile, and others. I’m going to start working on achieving these resolutions by emailing Subway. Happy New Year.