Jagged Noodles: The Blog

Dear everyone,

Even as you read this, there is a breed of cicada that has been sleeping for 17 years underground, and this year they will wake up, swarm for two months in a cacophonous mating frenzy, then die. However, this has nothing to do with the topic of this blog post, which is about stupid commercials that get on my nerves. Here’s the countdown of the top five commercials that I can’t stand:

5. Charmin

Toilet paper commercials are one of the most ubiquitous types, along with toothpaste and shampoo. They get creative, using blue water and other stuff to show how durable their brand of TP are. But these bears! Don’t they do anything else?! They’re bears! Why are they using toilet paper! Pass inspection? This commercial makes me realize that at some point, I might have to inspect my kids’ ass. I think I’ll go get a vasectomy right now.

4. Honda Civic

Honda is saying that all of us are different, so there are different color Civics that match our tastes. Decent concept. But they have a zombie, a woodsman, a ninja chic, a Mucha Lucha wrestler, and a big-eyed happy troll thing. They’re all freaks! What they’re saying is that all their customers are freaks. That happy troll thing is really creepy, like the unholy offspring of Big Foot and a Care Bear. Honda, it pains me to say you suck, since my Accord was awesome. As an Asian, I am contractually obligated to own a Honda every five years; however, thanks to this commercial, it will never be a Civic.

3. Bing

Bing, in an effort to compete with Google search, has unleashed numerous commercials along the line of “What has search overload done to us?” They feature unattractive people in hypnotic trances, spouting random facts, mimicking what it’s like when an online search leads to useless results. However, Bing’s commercials create a Twilight-Zone-like image that does not reflect online search. Even at its worst, “search overload” just leads to frustration and the occasional link to someone wearing underwear made out of candy bracelets. The commercials reduce my chance of wanting to use Bing.  

2. HP ePrint

Commercials have started using lesser-known “independent” artists, which usually means a woman with a breathy voice. I’m tired of women with breathy voices singing songs with whimsical lyrics in commercials! This baby, traveling across the US in a baby walker, creeps me out, and what idiot would put a baby in front of a cliff?

1.Fiber One

All Fiber One commercials are grating, with the guy with the British accent who says, “Cardboard no, delicious yes” in the most annoying, pretentious tone. This one combines it with the painful “interruption trick” and is thus doubly obnoxious. I absolutely hate the interruption trick. It has been employed numerous times by various companies, as if they want to communicate their message, but don’t want to pay for the commercial time. Fiber One just makes me want to reach into the TV and punch this guy in the face.

There have been other annoying commercials, such as the creepy Burger King ones, with that mascot with the giant plastic head. However, those seem to have died off. If companies want us to buy their crap, they should stick to what works. They should copy Progressive commercials, with Flo the Progressive lady. She’s hilarious.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 10th, 2011 at 12:04 am and is filed under rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.